Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Festivus == A Holiday For The Rest Of Us

Festivus is not one of the Pagan holy days and, yet, how could I pass up a holiday that involves the scared Airing of the Grievances? And, thus, here we Air Hecate's Grievances:

1. Rick Warren. If Rick Warren were, indeed, a Man of a god, instead of, as is, in fact, the fact, a Huckster Extrodinaire, he would realize that, having given scandal to the Body of Christ in the World, he should withdraw from Obama's Inauguration and go do penance for his grave insult to many of a god's children, aka All Women and Gay People. I'd like to throw a shoe at him. Bite me, Warren.

2. Barack Obama. Thanks for turning what should have been the first Inauguration devoted to inclusion into a hate fest v women and gay people. Way to fuck it up, Dude. Bite me.

3. Michelle Obama. Don't send me an e-mail telling me to use the holiday season to donate to good causes. I don't need you to do that. Go talk to your husband about his upcoming festival of hate on the women and the gay people. I am capable of donating to good causes w/o your prompting, believe it or not. I think I'll donate to a group devoted to fighting Warren's Prop 8. Bite me.

4. Liberals. Kerry and Edwards were for the war in Iraq. That was ok. Obama's for the war in Afghanistan. That's ok. Biden is for every war. That's ok. But Hillary can't be president because "she was for the war in Iraq." Wake up. It's called unrecognized sexism and you've got a bad case of it. Turns out, it's ok for anyone to be for wars, as long as they have penii. And, oddly, all objections to Hillary's evil foreign policies disappear the minute we're looking at her for, duh, Secretary of State, a position previously held by women. You may think you're not a sexist. But, you are. Bite me.

5. Asshole male posters who think it's "funny" to cite "iconic" films to make the point that it's actually quite funny to kill (of course) ugly, old women and to mock feminist religions. They think it's still ok to use "witch" as a slur, although they'd never do the same with "Jew" or "Moslem". Ditto the same posters who label all Hillary supporters fat, dumb, southerners, who sit on their porches and read bibles. Bite me.

6. George Bush, Dick Cheney, every American who voted for them, Sandra Day O'Connor (who knew better), and the completely complicit American media. Hague, bitches. Bite me.

7. My wingnut neighbor who kept bothering the stone masons who worked in my yard this summer because they dared to play Spanish radio while they were working. Get over it, Dude, and, of course, bite me.

8. Comcast. You know. Bite me.

9. Robin Givhan. Quit writing. You're not good at it. And, you've nothing to say. And, you wouldn't know style if you, you know, bit it. Bite me.

10. The people who fosited blue-and-brown upon us as a color combination. And don't think that I don't see what you're trying to do with pink and brown. Brown's a lovely color. Leave it the fuck alone. Bite me.

11. Netflix. You fucked up this summer and never quite managed to get unfucked. Now I spend half my time trying to trick you into sending me what I really want. Bite me.

12. Bindweed. Sweet Mother, don't you know when you're not wanted? Also, ivy. Bite me.

13. The really ugly unsold McMansion up the street. Since no one wants to buy your piece of crap, smashed-together-amalgam-of-every-building-style-that-ever-sucked, could you please turn the spot lights off at night? Please? Someone's going to have to knock that piece of shit down sooner or later. I hope it's sooner. Bite me.

14. The v aged hipster who showed up at my hair salon today, shortly after I gave Hair Guy a nice bottle of wine, carrying a ginormous gift basket for her hair guy. And made a huge fucking deal about it. OK. We get it. You are in love w your hair guy. Shut up. You make him bleach your hair out until it's ugly. And the rest of us don't like you. Bite me.

15. The idiot woman who was ahead of me at the dentist earlier this week. Who apparently gets all the affirmation she needs as a human being from the fact that, every year, she brings fudge to the dentist. Spent 20 minutes listening to her describe to a dental assistant how she makes the damn fudge. Then had the misfortune to get behind her in the line to make appointments for next year. After she took for fucking ever to enter her appointment into what was, apparently, to her, a newly-discovered tool, the Blackberry, she had to turn around and tell me -- a total stranger who, here's a clue, does not fucking care -- "They always schedule me for December so I'll bring them fudge." Hecate: "That's nice. Are you done? I'm late for a meeting?" Bite me.

16. The people who sold me the French Thyme seeds. Approximately four of them sprouted. Bite me.

17. Co-workers who can't bother to inform the rest of the world of their schedule. You know who you are. Bite me.

18. Arlington County, Virginia for running out of biodegradable leaf bags. Bite me.

19. The Bush Administration, for refusing to make housing available for the Obama family so that the two little Obama girls could start school on Jan. 2nd at Sidwell. Petty. Crass. Low-class to the end. Bite me.

20. My 401(k). Bite me.

On the other hand, Jeff Skilling both woke up this morning and went to bed this evening in jail. So, there's that. I will not die a failure.


Celestite said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying on my keyboard.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying real hard here to get into the holiday spirit. Your list didn't help at all.


Anonymous said...

3 things:

1. I should be able to straighten out the Netflix thing the next time I'm at the magic cottage.

2. Robin Gihvan should def. quit so I can have her job :)

3. The French thyme wasn't you - I've never known anyone to successfully start thyme from seed. So I really wish they'd stop trying to sell it that way.

sott'Eos said...

If whatever you send out comes back to you (magnified), then all of those "Bite me"'s might just get Jeff Skilling a pardon. Then where will you be? :-)

Anonymous said...

Laughing my head off over this.
I got a few other "bite mes" to add to your list:
1. Hetero women boringly showing off engagement rings grrrr
2. Netflicks gets a pass, hey they suggested some good movies that came on time!
3. Bite all the people on cell phones!
4. Bite me, my favorite sushi shop put UGH flat screened T.V.s behind the sushi bar!
-- Don't bite, gold star to the cute young lesbian who said "Merry Christmas" to me last night. Who says the young don't have manners:-)

And no bites at all to Hecate-- hey I know another Taurus when I read one! Thanks for a year's worth of really great and inspiring blogs.

Livia Indica said...

Once again, Hecate, you've inspired me. So, I'm ripping off your idea and posting my own grievances.