Thursday, October 29, 2009

We Are In Ur Secular Holidayz, Hexing Up Ur Candeez!!

Now, for the first time, we can reveal: Actual footage of real witches hexing Halloween candy:

First, let me just say, it gets old fast, it does, writing briefs all day and then showing up at those candy factories run by Mars (he's a god of war 'fer pity sakes, you think he makes it easy?) or Hershey's, or whatever and spending all night hexing Halloween candy. A girl needs her beauty rest, especially as the years wear on, you know what I mean?

Not that age doesn't have its privileges. A few years ago, my years of experience and my incredible skill at injecting the most evil demons imaginable into that nasty candy corn shit and those ghost-shaped Peeps earned me a promotion and I got to spend a few years hexing Godiva's Halloween treats. And, I'm not bragging, mind you, I'm not, but even though that job required more than a bit of sampling, I won a rather rapid promotion. Don't tell the xians, but I've spent the last sixty days hexing Vosges, and, assuming that enough demons manage to insinuate themselves into xian homes on Saturday, well, your faithful author may find herself spending next Autumn in ("Shhhhh!") Belgium, candy central, itself.

Please, FSM, (hey, I'm not proud; let a thousand flowers bloom), don't let them find out about what we do to the chicken wings, potato chips, and beer the month before the Super Bowl.

I'll never get any sleep, at all.

/This post is satire. I have never, actually, hexed any candy. Or, have I? Bwhahahhah!
Don't tell the xians, but there's really only one brand of hex-free chocolate.


Anonymous said...

Before I knew 'what' I was spiritually (tho' I had inklings) - I spent three years working for See's in a couple of their shops...just think of all the subtle magick that went into those yummies that I wasn't even aware of!??! :) I know I paid much attention to the dk choc covered marzipan confections!
Fundamentalists like the yayhoos trying to further ruin a holiday they already watered down and sanitized really need to rename themselves because "Fun-" is a misnomer!
Cheers and a very Blessed Samhain!

Liz said...

I love it! You must have read that article! My scathing reply is coming out in the morning.

Teacats said...

Heyyyyyyy, if you eat the candy backwards, do the pounds come off???? ((with respect to those that do like play their music backwards .....))

Yep -- I have been known to drool on the window at Godivas when they make the chocolate-covered strawberries ... does that count??

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Makarios said...

The Godiva chocs that are made in North America are distinctly inferior to those from Europe. The staff at the retail outlets will gladly advise you which items come from where.

And, if you're interested, you can make your own chocolate deities. Molds are available at The Witch's Corner. But, if you're going to go to the trouble, do use a good brand of chocolate. Valrhona, for example.

Shehuntstoo said...

Blessed Samhain! Got my day started off with a laugh :)

Anonymous said...

Darn, I knew I forgot to do something this season! /sigh/ Another late night before Samhain going through all my nearby stores hexing the candy in case someone missed out on one. A Witch's work is never done. Not to worry though, I always practice safe Hex.

I wonder if they'll go banning apples coz you can cut them open to reveal pentacles.


Anne Johnson said...

Candy is only the first step. Now, witches, let's hex the beer!

Anonymous said...

Hexed beer = more for us!