Now, for the first time, we can reveal: Actual footage of real witches hexing Halloween candy:
First, let me just say, it gets old fast, it does, writing briefs all day and then showing up at those candy factories run by Mars (he's a god of war 'fer pity sakes, you think he makes it easy?) or Hershey's, or whatever and spending all night hexing Halloween candy. A girl needs her beauty rest, especially as the years wear on, you know what I mean?
Not that age doesn't have its privileges. A few years ago, my years of experience and my incredible skill at injecting the most evil demons imaginable into that nasty candy corn shit and those ghost-shaped Peeps earned me a promotion and I got to spend a few years hexing Godiva's Halloween treats. And, I'm not bragging, mind you, I'm not, but even though that job required more than a bit of sampling, I won a rather rapid promotion. Don't tell the xians, but I've spent the last sixty days hexing Vosges, and, assuming that enough demons manage to insinuate themselves into xian homes on Saturday, well, your faithful author may find herself spending next Autumn in ("Shhhhh!") Belgium, candy central, itself.
Please, FSM, (hey, I'm not proud; let a thousand flowers bloom), don't let them find out about what we do to the chicken wings, potato chips, and beer the month before the Super Bowl.
I'll never get any sleep, at all.
/This post is satire. I have never, actually, hexed any candy. Or, have I? Bwhahahhah!
Don't tell the xians, but there's really only one brand of hex-free chocolate.
1 week ago