CURRENT MOON

Monday, February 06, 2006

Shit.Fuck.Damn. I Hate This Goddamn Disease.

So, when I had breast cancer, I didn't enjoy the surgery or the chemo or the radiation or the five years of Tamoxifen. I didn't enjoy the fights with the morons who regularly lost my films or losing my hair or learning to live with the idea that, sooner or later, IT is likely coming back to finish me off, for good. But I'll tell you what I really hated. I really hated the way that having breast cancer defined me in a lot of people's minds. i became a "breast cancer survivor" first and Hecate second.

I.Am.Not.Breast.Cancer. I.Am.Hecate.

But, today, an aquaintance called me to tell me that she has to go in tomorrow for some more pictures because something suspicious showed up on her latest mammogram. She called me because, to her, I'm a "breast cancer survivor." We chatted for a while and it was clear that she's really worried, really freaked out. She's a single woman, fifty years old, all her family is in other countries and other states. And, then, offhand, I said, "Would you like me to come with you?" Her relief was palpable, even over the phone.

So send me a bit of light and compassion tomorrow. I'm short on compassion. I'm not good at warm and fuzzy. I'm going to have to beg off a conference call to do this and, well, if the news is bad, I'm going to take her out for martinis at the Palm and tell her, well, what can I tell her? When you're going through Hell, keep going? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Hair and boobs are overrated? You'll either live through this or you'll wish halfway through chemo that you were dead? If you fight really hard with the radiologist you can make them use markers instead of the tatoos they want to use to mark you up for radiation? Good thing you don't have a lover right now because mine left me as soon as he heard the word "cancer"?

I'm really fuckng glad we've spent so much money killing people in some country halfway across the world instead of finding a cure for this mother-fucking obscene dirty obnoxious miserable excuse for a disease.

Postscript: I never cease to be amazed at the support and kindness of this "community." Thanks to everyone for their kind words. And, if you're a woman, please remember to do self exams every month. Put a reminder on your calendar. If you're a man who loves a woman, you could remind her to do self exams. And, women, please insist that your doctor send you for a mammogram any time you feel something. I've heard too many tales of women whose doctors told them not to worry and then, a year later, found out that, if they'd had a mammogram, they could have caught the cancer before it turned into Stage 4. Early detection is still the best way to beat breast cancer.

Post Postscript: Good news. "Normal aging of breast tissue; no follow-up indicated." So we still had martinis mid-afternoon, but they were celebratory, rather than for solace. Here's to normal aging!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Best of good luck, Hecate, to both of you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Hecate,

I know you only from the comments at Atrios's place, but I want to send you my best wishes and love.

Hair and boobs overrated? Compared to kindness and compassion, yeah, definitely.

Peace,
Speedy

Anonymous said...

my mother made it thru, twice.

of course i really don't know what to say. i know how devastating it can be.

peace, i think you'll know just what to do, say.

Anonymous said...

It's the *gift* that for some, just keeps on giving.

Love and hope and goddammit.

Not in that order.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you both.

"The ways of the Lord are dark, but never pleasant."
-- Theodore Roethke

Anonymous said...

Good luck, Hecate. A friend's niece is in surgery right now here in London, having a total masectomy because of the goddamn disease, and she herself just had a biopsy. Negative, thank goodness. I send best wishes and a little of my extra compassion.

Speaking of killing people and misplaced priorities, I got annoyed this morning, so I did a little back-of-the-envelope calculation: As near as I can tell, Bush has killed Boulder, or maybe even Reno.

I hope you can find a constructive use for rage -- and share it with others.

QuinnLaBelle said...

Tell your friend that false positives are much more common than most of us think.

Have been through this sort of thing a couple of times. The radiologist sees something on the mammogram. Need to come in for another type of test. Ultrasound/sonogram type of thing. Not invasive. Not scary. Once it was just a standard fluid-filled cyst. They aspirated it. All gone. No pain.

Thing is ... I'm already a cancer survivor. And my mother developed breast cancer a few years before something else entirely got to her. Oh, and my dad's mother had a radical mastectomy waaaay back in 1922 or 1923. And I can tell you for sure that each one of us very much needed someone to hold our hand as we made our way through that dangerous, slippery, uneven terrain of cancer treatment.

So. Best of luck to your friend. Hope it's just a little cyst. Best of luck to you in your newish role as wise woman and guide through the marsh. Your friend needs you to show her where to step.

Ellie Finlay said...

It was VERY good of you to offer to go with her.

Sending light and compassion your way, as requested.

Hecate said...

Prof Wombat,

I agree; I can't think why they don't do it that way. She had to spend two weeks worrying herself into a tizzy. At any rate, all's well that ends well.

Anonymous said...

Hecate --

So glad that this turned out OK -- bless you for being there for her!

Anonymous said...

Hecate - I'm a longtime reader at Eschaton. We should all have and be, a friend like you. And I'm glad your friend had a good outcome. I've got a skin biopsy spot healing right now, after noticing an abnormality on my breast during my monthly self-exam. It turned out to be nothing, but now I know the fear.

Anonymous said...

Late to the commenting, but I am glad for the outcome. You showed true caring and friendship, Hecate. Blessings upon you for that. And your friend's circumstance points up the need for us all to take a strong stand in our own health care issues. There is no logical reason why she should have had to wait 2 weeks for a repeat check. It is very possible to have the films read on site, and do re-takes if necessary. It is something to kick and scream about, and not quietly accept. You have to take charge of your own care at points like these, because it's for damn sure that the system is not going to look out for you.

Vicki said...

Yoy write so well. What a moving story. Your acquaintance is, indeed, blessed to have you in her life.

I've had a couple of lumps examined, benign, in the end...but it is very scary.

Bless you both.

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Regards
Cancer Treatment